I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
