You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
