No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
