ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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