I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Randomize
