meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
