I'm lost and stupid without you.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
