im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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