The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
