I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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