i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
