i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
