I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
