I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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