just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
