I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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