Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
