we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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