I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
