I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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