a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
