I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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