the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
