I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
