I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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