my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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