Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Randomize
