I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
