DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
