I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
