I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
