Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
