Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
