I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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