her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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