tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I checked into jail on foursquare
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
