my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
