4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
