Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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