Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
