nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
