burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
