im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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