In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
