So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
