I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
