its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
