the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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