I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
