I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
